Saturday, February 6, 2010

singing in the rain

For every action in nature there is an equal but opposite reaction, this is the balance of energy law. If an object requires 17 pounds of pressure to move it, you must exert 17 pounds of pressure ( give or take, depending how much friction the thing is creating in the moving of it) to move it. The net expenditure is zero, otherwise what quantifiable storage container would you leave the excess or deficit energy in. O.K. Hank, so you basically have misrepresented the laws of Physics, but we grasp the idea. Now to pervert that logic, lets go sideways with an example.
As a for instance, when you gather for Christmas with your family, the feeling of getting together, enjoying food, and company is great. Now to balance that you have the drive there and back, shopping, lines, traffic, stress from listening to my jokes for the umpteenth time, etc. Not scientific, but again hopefully you get what I’m angling at. Lets leave the law of diminishing returns out of the conversation, as marriage really isn’t part of this discussion. You can e-mail Cindy sympathy cards later.
We have been in France for six weeks, Paris was Paris, we toured in the sublevel temperatures, but saw phenomenal sights, We then flew to Provence and spent Christmas and New Years with Andrew and Arlette, in a medieval refrigerator that required us to sleep in four layers of clothing for three nights. We have been in the Lot / Dordogne region in winter weather, but Caleigh has acclimated into the foreign language speaking school. We’ve driven all around the Dordognian country side and gotten to a level of familiarity and comfort that I would never have thought we could. Cindy has crested the perpetual wave of responsibility driven angst, and been able only recently to enjoy and survey her incredible surroundings. I have started writing, an activity that I’ve never had time to pursue, nor was my writing ever developed, but this trip has enabled me to sit down and write, and I see a little improvement on occasion.
And I am so excited, because we are expecting a miracle, there is something so wondrous, we don’t know if we’re going to be at the weekly market and run into Christ, or I’m going to buy this weeks lottery ticket worth 100,000,000 euros and win. Why Hank, whatever could have happened to foretell of such a wondrously deserved gift?
Well, inquire if you must, here goes……where to start? What great expenditure of negative energy occurred to think you deserve to receive this great positive balancer? Our home is located in Topanga Canyon, California, the house like all others is served by a septic system. Septic systems are about as reliable as a politician’s promise, or a weatherman’s prediction. My luck with Septic systems started when I was a newlywed expecting father, we bought our first bungalow styled house, just six weeks prior to Caleigh’s birth. And it wasn’t one of those easy births, I’ll tell that story at another time and place. Well my blushing bride and I are preparing the baby’s room, nesting ( which is so much nicer than ’if this isn’t the cutest f-ing room on the planet before this little bundle of love is delivered, you will have wished you were never delivered”) I think it’s referred to. Well, it seems that the main drain line wasn’t exactly whistle clean, there may have been an impediment en route to the city sewer line. After rotorootering, hydro blowing, dwezzel pumping, and lord knows how many caustic gallons of liquids I poured down the thing, it was obvious that I needed to do something else. To say my blushing bride at that point was blushing would be most likely the equal but opposite to that emotion. So since I have always been “Hank, he can fix anything “ and the fact I’ve never disputed it , it was time to prove it. O.K. Mr. Macho home fixer, dig this. And dig this I did for three days after work I dug a hole into 95 year old rain compacted lawn. Bid deal right, actually it was, after digging down five feet into granite I found the clay drain pipe. It seems 95 years before when they laid the pipe they then covered the pipe with soil and planted a cute little magnolia twig at grade level. How nice, unfortunately 35 years later, the twig was grown, and had sent our water gathering roots in all directions, then 40 years later the grown twig had found purchase in a coupler in that subject drain pipe, then 10 years later that root had grown, and now was the main provider for the Magnolia tree. When we bought the property that root had a vested interest in every fluid ounce that ran down the pipe.
Well I get the pipe exposed and cut into the drain line, and install an inline clean out. I won’t go into details, put it this way, the alternative was in the house waiting to be able to have a little peace and quiet. If she ain’t happy, do you honestly think I would have a chance at happy? So that fixed the magnolia conundrum, and maintenance was never easier. So then seven years later we sell the now perfectly functioning little house and buy a house in Topanga Canyon. But this house has a septic tank system, not one of those city ones.
When we bought the house there were issues, but after a lot of problem solving, a lot of money, and a lot of me doing a lot of septic-ey work the house is now fine. In order to make this trip a reality, I’m tempted to go in to the different types of reality, but that wouldn’t be fair to you reading this would it? That’s one kind of reality. Anyway in order to make this trip a reality, I’m tempted to go into the different types of reality, that’s another type of reality, reoccurring reality, reoccurring reality. Sorry. This trip would have been even more expensive had we not rented our house at a reduced rate, with the proviso that the renter provide care for our animals. Well, they’ve been great, there were concerns that were occasionally e-mailed to us, about the septic system which scared the septic out of me, but proved false alarms. Fine, but when Cindy called the L.A. County Water, and they told her our water unit usage had quadrupled it sent me into full cardiac arrest, I grabbed the phone and asked as calmly as possible what was the last meter reading number.. In my mind I was thinking we just had seven inches of water in the form of torrential rain, our sprinklers had not been turned off as requested, and now there must be a leak. A leak to an already fully saturated hillside, due to seven inches of rain, coupled to sprinklers, sprinklering on top of raging waters, would certainly liquefy a hillside. Liquefy a hillside and your house below turns into Septic on a stick pretty f-ing quick. So our Realtor, bless her, goes over and checks our meter, it had been misread by the L.A. County Water meter reader. If you are ever 6500 miles away from your house, don’t talk to a public utility company. So maybe I won’t see Christ in the market, or win the lotto, because in reality, maybe the fact that there wasn’t a leak was my winning of the lotto. But that’s a different reality.

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